Asparagus and the village

I am proud to say that my children have not eaten a single vegetable in this house,(excepting asparagus) that I have not grown since March when last years veggies ran out.

They LOVE asparagus. Love love it. They'll eat it roasted, steamed, grilled, stir fried. They love it best when David makes it. I usually make mine the same as his, but apparently, and I quote "Daddy does it better!" *hmph*

I have gotten away with a lot of gardening in the last 4 years. Nearly all of it breaking the rules of the all powerful trailer park lease. But an asparagus bed.....that'd be too much. Not to mention I just do not have the space anymore. Every patch of earth I have rented is utilized. At least the places that are more hidden from the road. I just keep telling myself that soon, soon we will have found the property we will actually live on. I plan to put in asparagus before I lay the foundation. Depending on the season of course. And a raspberry bramble, and rhubarb! Currently I have a deal with the 2 neighbors with raspberries. I harvest their crop, they receive a jar of two of whatever I turn it into. I love some of these neighbors. But most I could leave behind and never think of again. I really do not wish to be isolated on the homestead. Most homesteaders do. But I disagree. I homestead. A real one. It's not something that can really truly be accomplished in isolation. At least not for me. To me, what makes a life a life is the people in it. I would love to take these guys with me and start a little village, with a huge garden and communal meals. Working next to your friends. Working to grow food and hole it away for the winter. I love what I have here. 2 neighbors with fruits for the taking, one with a disability and usually only grabbing a handful to eat or to freeze. The other works 70 hours a week and does not have the time or knowledge to really make full use of her harvest. In a small way, I do have the village here. But in an urban setting. Which I cannot consider either safe or sustainable. If it were just me and David sure, but three little kids....

As it is, I am looking for a property that is somewhat secluded. Not because I dislike people. But because I fear the unknown. I fear who these people may be. In a SHTF situation, I would prefer to be isolated then to be surrounded by people I don't know or can't trust. So isolation it is, by default. Unless I can rise above this fear of mine.

One more year. Then life can really start.

Holy crap! It worked.

Well, blogger came through. This is part of the tiling job. This is before grout was applied. I still love it. No more damage being done to the wall from constant cooking and dish-washing. Especially good because our dishwasher has cleaned it's last load. I should just pull the thing out and put in one of those roll out garbage cans. (Unless we find a serviceable one road-side scrounge) Ah. That's a good topic. Remind me to use that one some day. Anyway, pulling it out would save some floor space plus save on dishes. I would institute a wash your own dishes rule. Some of the kids may be lazy, but stupid they are not. Despite their best efforts to convince me otherwise. Anywho.

I have switched positions at my job. Now working five 8-hour days, instead of four 10-hour evening shifts. I am also in the office so no longer getting paid mileage. I didn't realize it but that was apparently around 200-300 bucks a paycheck. Also spending 30 bucks a week more on daycare for the SOTSO. Sooooo that kinda sucks goat balls. Definitely impacting how much I can put in the Get-The-Hell-Out-The-Trailer-Park fund. I'm learning a lot and expanding my nursing background so that's a very appreciated bonus. I am planning to stay at this job for at least 5 years. But definitely longer if it suits all involved parties.

Today has been a day. I let my mind get away from me, (something which I normally keep under very tight wraps) and began to daydream about "Life after the trailer park." Doesn't seem like such a bad past-time right? WRONG! Very few people can understand how much of my life I have invested in this dream. And still, 10 years later, it seems so unattainable. And I do mean 10 years. I developed the dream for my homestead before I developed the goal of an RN. The RN was the means by which I was going to make my true dream, the homestead, a reality. I love nursing. I am good at nursing. So many of my patients have changed my way of thinking and expanded my universe in so many unbelievable ways.

But the homestead. Ah. The homestead. That is where I would really be living. Experiencing life. Teaching my children. Growing. It is where I want to die. It is where I want at least one of my children to plant roots, raise children and then die, if all goes well, after a short illness in old age, ending a lifetime of finding happiness and joyful work. (BOTSO I am counting on you!) And despite all my efforts, it always seems just out of reach. It's like something I once read in a sci-fi novel. (Another, less dangerous past-time of mine.) If you have a point in sight, x amount of feet away. If you achieve half the distance, and then half of that distance, and half of that, and on and on until infinity...........you will never reach your destination, no matter how much distance you have traversed. And that feels like the mathematical equation I am in. I hate math.

This could be the delightful blend of pear sparkling water and grapefruit vodka I picked up clearance talking, but I am worried my family will never get there. After all, the world is full of very intelligent people who worked very hard for their dreams and goals and did not make it. Success is not a matter of intelligence and hard work. It truly is not. Americans are deluded into believing otherwise from birth. We are taught, Success=x. If a person works hard and is intelligent (A+B) then, magically. A+B=x! Equation solved!

So, logically, if this is a conundrum a young American has found themselves in, all you need to do is change the value of x. Success. What is success? To some, lots of money. Eh. Not my cup of tea by any stretch, but if that's what floats your boat. Money is an imaginary construct that has been very efficient in keeping those in power, in power. Since money doesn't actually exist, what money really TRULY is, is power. So if power is what you are after. If that is how you define success? You are in for disappointment my friend. All that shit is sucked up. By people who have had it for centuries, and there is very little you can do about it. Unless........you change your mind.

Change what goal it is you have that means you've succeeded. That is what I have done. Success to me, is not getting a good-paying job and raising children who get good-paying jobs. Success to me is not even happiness! I mean, really! Being happy is great. But it should never be a goal. Happiness is a fleeting moment in time that will pass. Enjoy while it is present and then let it go. Happiness is not sustainable and to my eye, should never be the goal.

My goal is true contentment. When things happen that make me truly happy, I embrace them. But contentment is far more rewarding. Contentment=success.

Contentment is what I work towards. Every day of my life.

Contentment is what I will have truly achieved when I have purchased a small lot of land, built my earth-bermed, strawbale structure. And when I have developed my mind and my skill set so that I produce everything we need to consume on this land. When I have passed this onto my children and they are able to take over. When I have fostered children who may have been cast aside in this same way. Then I can look at my life and experience true contentment. This is my life purpose.

But the nature of contentment is completely at odds with this idea. If that is what I need to be content, then how can I truly be content until I have attained this.

I'll tell you. But shh. It's a secret.

If I die right now, I will die knowing that I spent every waking moment of my (ever-too-slowly) maturing adult mind and life working towards that goal. And if I know that I am working towards my goal, in every way I can? Then. Then I can be content.

I am content. Though nothing in my life is as it should be or as I want it. I am content.

I am living. I am growing. And I am content. I can be content knowing that I am trying my damndest.

And that is enough.

For now.